


What Is This Connection?

by Skipper2009



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Lots Of Texting Sorry, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Tags will be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27171691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skipper2009/pseuds/Skipper2009
Summary: When Lapis finally hits rock bottom, she has to work her way back up and is surprised to find what's on her way to the top.*Sorry I have no idea how to summarize this up but hopefully it's a good one! As always I always appreciate all kudos and a comments (even negative ones) but it is not necessary. If you would like to reach me personally you can at my twitter handle ---> Skipper2009AO3Enjoy!*
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	1. Hitting Rock Bottom

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a set up chapter and probably the darkest chapter.

In the almost 30 years she has been on this planet, Lapis had finally felt like giving up. Another relationship over, another state to leave and another day where nothing went her way. The long drive back to her mothers was drowned out by the radio blasting through the speakers of her truck. Looking in the rear view mirror she watched as the past rolled away into the horizon. Sure, she had traveled quite a bit and had experienced things only few would; she knew deep down she wouldn’t have changed a thing but all of it felt like it was for nothing. A song came on that reminded her of her now ex wife and she was quick to switch over to the next station. 

Four years being together and seemingly going through the worst life had to throw at them clearly broke her ex wife down to run back into the arms of her previous lover. Lapis rubbed at the tears that were starting to form in her eyes. She couldn’t blame her, they both went through a lot and Lapis was surprised the marriage lasted as long as it did. Not as long as the first one, not by much though. Her ex husband was the worst; abusive in every possible form. That marriage lasted eight years too long but Lapis wasn’t one to give up so easily. Doing everything in her power to make something work but she was never good enough. Not for him and not for her. 

She shook her head and looked at the time on the dash, 5:40 AM. The sun was rising into the cloudless sky once again, signaling another day closer to home. The gas gauge was nearing a quarter of a tank and Lapis looked for the next exit. Once pulled up to the gas station, Lapis jumped down from the truck and stretched her back. She didn’t want to stop for anything unnecessary; no sleep and no food. As she was filling her truck up and cleaning the windshield of bugs she faintly heard her phone ringing. Running around the front of the truck she looked at the caller ID and was shocked to see it was her ex. Lapis debated on picking it up for a split second but decided to answer anyways, “Hello?”  
“Hey.”, a quiet voice on the other end answered, “Where you at?”  
Lapis rolled her eyes, “Further away from you, that’s what matters right?”  
“Lapis come on don’t be like this.”  
Lapis was becoming more angry by the second, “If there is nothing important you want from me then leave me the fuck alone!” She hung up and tossed her phone onto the passenger side seat. 

The pump signaled the truck was full and Lapis continued her journey east. She had just set her cruise control when the Bluetooth from her phone interrupted her music once again. This time around it was her mother, Lapis tapped the accept call button on the steering wheel, “Yes mother?”  
“Lapis, where are you? What time do you think you’ll be here? Are you ok sweetheart?”, her mother asked with worry in her voice.  
Lapis took in a deep breath, “I’m in Nebraska, my GPS says I won't be there until tomorrow afternoon and I’m fine.”  
There was a pause on the other end before her mother answered back, “Alright, well make sure if you get sleepy to pull over and rest. I know you want to get back but it's dangerous to drive tired.”  
“I know, I will pull over if I get tired and I’ll make sure to let you know.”, Lapis huffed out.  
She could hear her mother sigh, “Ok, I have to get ready for work. I’ll call you on my way home. Lapis?”  
“Yeah?”  
“It’s going to be alright.”  
Tears started to fill her vision again and she gritted her teeth, “I know, gotta go, bye.”

Lapis clicked the hang up button and proceeded to cry, gripping the steering wheel tighter as the emotions washed over her once again. Her entire life was packed into this truck and it wasn't even close to being full. She clenched her jaw, 'What the fuck am I doing wrong? Why can’t I keep anyone around me? I have nothing to show for my life. I hate it, I hate it!' She brought her eyes back on the road. It was long and straight, the highway median was nothing but a slight dip she knew her truck could handle at these speeds. The non stop oncoming traffic of semi trucks was a tempting sight to her. Pressing down on the gas pedal, she accelerated around the car in front of her and into the passing lane. Her speeds were nearing 90 MPH and her hands pulled the steering wheel towards the ditch. The rumble strips made a horrific noise as her tires ran them over. 'If I’m going to do this...' She looked down the highway and chose her target, a bright yellow Mac truck barreling west. 

The wheels touched the grass in the center median and her other tires hit the rumble strips. Her hands were sweaty and slipping on the wheel no matter how tight she gripped. The miles were closing in and her time was now or never. A quick jerk of the wheel pointed the truck down the slight embankment; the wheels being taken by the slippery grass that was covered in morning dew. Time itself seemed to slow down as the sunlight moved out of her eyes and into the passenger window. She let go of the wheel and sat back in her seat waiting for impact. Loud horns started blaring and the sound of the trucks brakes locking the wheels up filled her hearing. 

When she opened her eyes again she found her truck to be pointing west. Little to her knowledge her body reacted on its own and had pressed the brake pedal in her attempt at ending her life. There was knocking at her window and she was startled to see the very semi truck she had wanted to smash head first into was pulled over and the driver was checking on her. She could see his lips move but could only hear roaring in her ears. Rolling the window down the blast of cool morning air hit her, knocking her to her senses. “Miss! Miss, are you ok?”, the man asked as he tried to catch his breath. Lapis could only nod her head yes and opened the door. Her legs gave out and her body fell into the wet grass and she heaved up whatever she had in her stomach. The man gave her some room, “I’m gonna call the highway patrol just relax for a bit ok miss?”  
Lapis put her hand up, “No! Please don’t just… I just fell asleep at the wheel. No need to worry about me.” She lied as she looked at the marks in the grass. 

Her truck had done a couple spins before ramming ass end into a culvert in the middle of the highway median. The man walked to the back of her truck and checked the damaged, “Wow that's lucky, the only thing broke is your trailer hitch.” Lapis got to her feet and leaned back against her truck staring off into the sky. The man walked back over to her, “Are you sure you’re gonna be ok? That was scary for me and I was just watching.”  
Lapis composed herself once more before turning to him, “I will be, thank you for your concern. I apologize if I scared you.” She climbed back in her truck. The man stood back as she drove towards the east bound lane and took off once more. Lapis watched the man stare at her for a moment more before returning to his truck. Her hands were shaking and her body was covered slightly in sweat. 'I couldn’t do it.' 

The rest of the drive to her mothers house was uneventful to say the least. When she pulled into the driveway her mother was sitting on the front porch with her dog. Lapis was too tired to unload her life so she just parked and walked up onto the porch and stood in front of her mother. Her mother gave a weak smile before saying, “Welcome back Lapis.” Lapis ended up breaking down and falling into her mothers lap. She cried her hardest, her face buried and her arms wrapped around herself. Her mother hummed and stroked her back as she waited for her daughter to cry it all out. It was a long half hour before Lapis sat back against the porch railing and wiped her face clean. Hank the dog waited with his head held low for Lapis to pet him. The rough collie happily accepted Lapis’ pets and laid down next to her. 

*****

The rest of the summer and fall Lapis had slumped into a deep depression. Being back with her high school friends had done little to soothe the ache that was wrapped tightly around her heart. Her heavy drinking and smoking finally came to a head one night in early November when she walked into the local hospital and told the front desk lady at the ER that she was sick of living and plunged a knife into her chest. When Lapis woke up, she was cuffed to a hospital bed with monitors hooked up to her. She thrashed against her restraints, the noise causing the nursing staff on duty to rush in to try and calm her down. As she was pressed back into the bed by one of the nurses she lashed out and sank her teeth into the womans forearm. Before she knew it she was out again. She preferred the darkness than to real life. Her emotions took control of her and developed into its own entity. It would mock her; telling her how worthless she is that she can’t even take her own life. Lapis accepted this, knowing that she was worthless. No one would care, no one would come to save her, she would forever be on her own. 

She was transferred from the Intensive Care Unit straight into the Psychiatric ward. She was put into her own room with only a bed and a chair. There was her own bathroom that she would frequently hide in but the cameras that were in her room were constantly being monitored and a nurse was quick to pull her back out into the main room. Lapis spent a whole month in the Psychiatric ward, being fed medicine and talking to her therapist. She had come to like her therapist, the young woman with a nice smile and calm voice. Lapis would only see her twice a week and the rest of the time she would sit on her bed and stare out the window. Her mother and older sister would come visit once a week. Reassuring her that they would be there for her when she got out but she knew they were meaningless words. Even with talking to her therapist, she continued with her poor outlook on life but she promised her therapist she would continue counselling once she was out. As for now, she enjoyed her three meals a day and her peace and quiet. 

*****

Release day was upon her and she wasn’t too excited about it. She put on her old clothing, it was a tad bit looser than she remembered. She was given back her phone and her wallet along with anything else she had on her that night. Her therapist and the staff of nurses that had come to know her waved her off as the magnetic doors were opened and she was led to the front entrance. In the lobby stood her mother and littlest sister, glancing up from their phones when they heard Lapis walking closer. The nurse bid her good luck and farewell and Lapis walked behind her mother and sister out the doors. The sunlight was harsh on her eyes and adjusted her glasses so that the harmful rays weren't coming directly into her eyes. 

The ride back home was silent for her but in the front seats her mother and sister yakked on. Snow blanketed the landscape and Lapis was happy just to be out of the hospital. Christmas and New Years came and went and Lapis only felt numb. She was present at the family gatherings but her mind was elsewhere, stuck with that nasty entity that continued to egg her on down the same path that she just recovered from. After the holidays her phone rang and it was her old therapist from the hospital. She asked if Lapis had set up a new counselor and Lapis reluctantly told her the truth. Lapis had been slacking off since she had been out but she told the therapist that she would look for a new one as soon as she got off the phone. They talked for a bit more and Lapis hung up. She tossed her phone on her bed and laid back to look at the ceiling. Her stomach twisted in knots thinking about having to open up to someone new again. She rubbed her face and sat up; calling her primary care doctor to make an appointment. 

Another doctors appointment, another referral and Lapis was sitting in front of someone new. An older woman this time around but, to her surprise, had already read her file from the Psych ward and was caught up on her situation. Lapis was relieved to hear this and the two picked up where she had left off. After a couple of appointments her therapist had suggested to Lapis that she get herself back out there. She had been without a job since returning home and Lapis knew that the added mundane work would keep her mind busy and out of that dark place.After looking around for something worth while, Lapis had settled on getting her old job back at a computer chip manufacturing plant. She was remembered and quickly got her old job of looking for damage on the boards. Her old coworkers also remembered her and she easily fell back into the swing of things. The 12 hour shifts flying by and her mind slowly becoming clearer. She was slowly working her way to a better life one day at a time. Her therapist applauded her recovery and better attitude, helping Lapis make more simple goals to achieve to keep her spirit high. 

It was summer again and things were going smoothly for Lapis. She had gotten two promotions at work since she started and was working on saving to buy her own place. Her therapist had told her that she needed to cement herself somewhere; that the constant moving and traveling had taken its toll on her mentally and she had to finally settle down somewhere. So that’s what Lapis had focused on, saving for the down payment for a house and looking at properties.Then at the next appointment, her therapist threw a wrench into the works. She had asked Lapis about a relationship. Was she looking and what was she looking for. Lapis was quick to avert her eyes and tell her that she wasn’t really looking. Her therapist leaned back in her chair and asked why. Lapis had no answer other than that she was focusing on herself at the moment. Her therapist nodded in agreement but also encouraged her to at least try opening herself up to finding someone again. It had been a year since her divorce and, in her own therapists words, she had a big dating pool and was a complete catch to anyone who gave her the chance. 

Lapis drove home thinking about what her therapist had said. There really wasn’t a reason for her to not get back out there and, sure, being bisexual had it perks but it also opened her up to more hurt. When she got back home she debated with herself about it. Hank kept her company as she walked around the house to process her thinking. The dog broke her concentration when he barked, signalling someone had pulled in. Lapis looked out the window and saw her friend Amethyst getting out of her car. “Hey stranger!”, Lapis called out the open window. Amethyst waved back as she closed her car door. Lapis met Amethyst on the front porch and the women and the dog relaxed in the sun, “So what’s cracking there chief?” Amethyst asked as she took a swig of her drink.  
“Eh, not much, have a lot on my mind.”, Lapis replied as she leaned her head back.  
Amethyst propped her feet up on the shared foot rest, “Well, start spilling girl. We haven’t talked in a while and I know you are needing someone to vent to besides your therapist.”  
Lapis couldn’t help but agree with her friend, “She said I need to start dating again.”  
“You should! You’re such an amazing woman Lap. Anyone, and I mean anyone, would be lucky to have you as their woman.”, Amethyst was quick to reply.  
Lapis sighed, “I’m not sure if I’m ready though.”  
“Lapis, it’s been a year. I think that horse is ready to be ridden again.”  
“That’s easy for you to say miss married with two kids.”, Lapis joked back to her friend.  
Amethyst turned toward her, “Seriously Lapis, you just need to get your standards higher. Look for someone that goes well with you. Maybe even sleep around a bit, whatever.”  
Lapis rolled her eyes, “I’m not going to sleep around. No thanks.”  
“You know what I mean.”, Amethyst got up from her seat, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take and who knows, your perfect match could be waiting for you right now!” Lapis couldn’t help but agree with her friend. She was right, more than right and that convinced Lapis to make her first dating profile.


	2. Shoot Your Shot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will let you know now that there is going to be lots of texting in this story and I hope its clean enough to understand. Thanks again for reading and thanks so much for the kudos and comments! Enjoy.

Lapis absolutely loathed the dating process. In both of her past relationships she was approached and never really did anything special to stand out. She looked at the blank profile in front of her and exhaled deeply. A swift pat on the back propelled her slightly forward and Amethyst was happy to help her friend out, “Ok Lap, come on you promised you would do this.”  
“I know I just never know how to fill these things out.”, Lapis replied as she made her username and filled out the basic information.  
“So you need help with the more open stuff, no problem. Just give a bit more info about yourself. You’ve traveled, you have a great job…”  
“I live with my mother?”, Lapis interrupted her friend.  
“Uhh… how about we leave that out for now. Seriously though just write down things you would like to see on someone else's profile. People overthink these things way too much.”  
Lapis wrote down as much as she was comfortable with then turned to screen to Amethyst. Amethyst looked it over and nodded her head, “Maybe add what you're looking for? Serious, not serious, friends with benefits?”  
Lapis moaned, “This is starting to get to be annoying.”  
Amethyst walked behind Lapis and started to rub her shoulders, “I get this isn't how you met the last two but clearly you aren’t finding good ones that way. Look at it this way, they will be coming to you or you can look without having to put in much work. You can even filter by age, race, location, if they have kids, smoke, drink. You can finally look for someone you really want to be with!”

The two continued to tweak Lapis’ profile and selecting the best pictures of her. After a half hour of work, Lapis’ profile was live and out in the world. She began her search with the opposite sex. Within the first 10 minutes she was already getting hits and messages. They scrolled through their profiles and determined if they were worthy enough for Lapis’ attention. Lapis’ chest was starting to squeeze tighter and it felt hard for her to breathe. Amethyst made sure to reassure the brunette that not everyone needed to be answered and that it was fine that she wouldn’t get a reply back. Not to Lapis’ surprise most of the men were just looking for a quick hookup or a friends with benefit type deal. She would shrug these ones off in hopes of someone else stumbling upon her profile. Those that did seem to click better with her and were looking for something more serious always had just one little problem that made Lapis shy away. Between Amethyst and her therapist, Lapis had come to be ok with turning more people down. She had kept her standards low for so long that now when she had her choice she wasn’t going to settle for someone that didn't fit her at least 90%. 

After three months of searching and communication, Lapis was able to go out on three dates. All three men seemed fine when it came to texting but something always came up that turned Lapis completely off. One of her dates, Alex, became another friend in her small circle and she was happy to have him. She would bounce ideas off him and he would gladly give her feedback. Three more months had passed and Lapis had given up on finding a boyfriend. Her and Amethyst changed up her profile slightly; adding and subtracting this and that to appeal to any female companions. Once this profile was live it took a bit longer before anyone would look at her profile. A hit here and there would spike her interest but no one would message. Amethyst said this would probably be the time to be on offense so Lapis took the initiative. Scrolling through the many profiles, Lapis found that she had a harder time with connecting to most females. She wasn’t sure which role she wanted to play. Her jet black hair had grown long but she wasn’t one for wearing makeup or getting dressed up. Most of the messages she sent out were never answered or the recipient would not carry on the conversation. More months had passed and Lapis was starting to get tired of the whole thing. Her and Amethyst would talk about it over some drinks but it always ended with Amethyst telling her to give it more time. 

~~~~~

It was Valentines day, Lapis was scrolling through more dating profiles. She was laying in bed on her back when a particular profile jumped out at her. Lapis rolled over onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. This profile always jumped out at her but she never clicked on it since the profile picture was a very close picture of the womans face. Lapis took in a deep breath and decided to look into whoever this mystery girl was. She flipped through the photos and all were the same up close view of the womans face. Zooming in didn’t help much but from what she could see the woman was blonde haired and had some of the deepest blue/ grey eyes Lapis had ever seen. Her heart slightly faltered as she continued to gaze into the others eyes. Lapis shook her head and continued reading the profile. 

This woman was older and lived two hours away from Lapis' current location. It said her occupation was a cook and that she had a dog and a cat. Lapis continued on; her body type read athletic and Lapis’ heart fell. Looking down at her own soft body, Lapis backed out of the profile. She already knew that when it came to women with toned bodies; hers lacked to be appreciated. She wasn’t out of shape by no means but she was slightly curvier and carried a couple extra pounds in the stomach and rear area. If she put her mind to it she could easily shed the pounds but her eating and drinking habits had gone down hill once again, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get back into exercising. I didn’t think I was that bad but clearly I am if no woman will give me the chance and most men just want a fuck toy.” Lapis bit her lip as she looked at her phone. Something kept nagging her to get back on and message this woman. After a couple deep breaths Lapis went back on and continued looking at the other womans profile. She read on to find that this woman had a thing for tall black haired women and that she was a hopeless romantic just waiting to connect with someone. Lapis opened up her navigation app and looked up the town where the woman claimed to live. She had to zoom out quite a ways to figure it out but this woman was out in the middle of nowhere in a town Lapis had never heard of. As she looked at the profile and at the map, Lapis thought about taking the chance. She did have a love for driving and this woman lived in a section of the state she had never been to. Lapis’ hands were shaking as she clicked on the “Message Me” button. She knew she had to give this woman something to reply to, something better than a simple hello or nice weather comment. 

Lapis- Hey, I hope things are going well for you. So I see you live up north, you’re almost to the border! I haven’t been over in that part yet but maybe I will have an excuse to head that way sometime. You’re a cook? That’s awesome, does it get boring to keep cooking the same things over and over again? Looking forward to your reply.

She missed the send button about 5 times before it finally sent off. Lapis was sweating profusely and was quick to click her phone off and walk out of the room. 'Why am I getting so worked up over this one?' She walked into the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. Hank was walking over to her, forcing his head into her hand for more pets. Lapis laughed and put on her coat to take him outside. They spent a half hour outside before coming back in. Lapis went back upstairs but didn’t go for her phone right away. She sat in her desk chair and drummed her fingers on her desk. Getting the courage to grab her phone, she clicked it on but her notifications were empty. For whatever reason she felt disheartened and spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv. It was around nine at night when Lapis made her way back to her room. She put on her pajamas for the night and plugged in her phone, still no reply. So she went on to look through her social media before calling it a night. At around 9:30 a bar dropped down saying she had a message waiting for her. Lapis nearly dropped her phone on her face and quickly clicked on the link. Sure enough the woman had replied back. Lapis looked at the message,

Woman- Good evening, things are pretty boring in my life at the moment but thanks for asking. Yeah I get that a lot I know I live out in the boonies but I’m still hoping you know :) I’m actually at work right now and yeah it gets pretty mundane but when I get home I try a lot of different recipes. Do you like to cook? I see you’re also into video games, what do you play?

Lapis could feel her heart begin to race as she replied back,

Lapis- I hope you don’t get in trouble for being on your phone at work! Yeah I like to cook and experiment. My favorite thing to do is grill and I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years. Oh, I play a lot of sandbox games, not really into the online play but more story based. I have an Xbox One. What are you playing?

She felt a happiness wash over her as she sent her message back, 'Could this be the one?' Lapis knew she was jumping the gun but something was different with this one. There was just something she couldn’t explain but she was glad to have messaged her. She didn’t think she was going to get another reply for the night but she kept checking her phone. At around 11 her phone lit up the dark room and the woman had replied again. Lapis opened up her message,

Woman- Grilling is probably one of the things I really need to work on lol. I play a lot of online games and I have a Playstation. It’s just better :P My boss let me go early so I’m gonna head home and get some sleep. Talk to you later.

Lapis couldn’t help but smile at the womans reply. She rolled her eyes, “Of course she's on Playstation.” Lapis typed her reply,

Lapis- Ok drive home safe and goodnight :D

With that, Lapis clicked her phone off and rolled over onto her side. The conversation was short but at least there was a conversation happening. She closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep, in the morning she hoped to continue her conversation with the mysterious blue eyed woman. Alas, sleep just wasn’t coming to her. Lapis tossed and turned throughout the night and when the sun broke over the horizon, Lapis was still without a good nights sleep. She knew it would be stupid to message her this early in the morning. 'She probably doesn’t wake up until noon.', Lapis thought to herself as she walked downstairs to make herself a cup of tea. Hank yawned and stretched as he followed Lapis to the kitchen, “Need to go out Hank?” Lapis opened the door and watched as he zipped down the porch steps to the nearest tree to relieve himself. Lapis filled the kettle and waited for the water to heat up as she looked out at the lawn. 

Hot cup of tea in hand, Lapis let Hank back in and went to go sit in the recliner in the living room. She turned on the tv and put on the news, just wanting some background noise as she looked at her phone. Her eyes were starting to get heavy the more time went by. She heard her mother get up and sit down on the couch but Lapis wasn’t fully cognitive when her mother left for work. Lapis had fallen asleep in the recliner and continued to sleep the morning away. It wasn’t until one in the afternoon that Lapis would wake up again. Her eyes were still foggy and she shook her head to break free from sleep. She looked at her phone and saw the time which made her become fully awake, “Shit!” She opened up the dating app and saw that the woman hadn’t messaged her yet. Lapis felt a little disheartened but didn’t let it last long, messaging a quick good afternoon and how did you sleep before getting up herself. After a shower and getting dressed Lapis checked her phone to see the woman had replied, 

Woman- Good afternoon to you too! I slept alright, how about you?

Lapis- Well not so much as I fell asleep at seven this morning and just woke up before I messaged you haha. Are you working today?

Woman- Nope I’m on my weekend. 

Lapis- Hey me too! I figured you worked weekends but how does your schedule usually go if I may ask?

Woman- Depending on how busy the restaurant gets, thursday through monday. What about you? What's your schedule like?

Lapis- Same. Sometimes I work overtime just to make a little extra.

The two continued to message back and forth, just starting to get the feel of each other. That night Lapis didn’t want the conversation to end but around nine at night the other woman asked if it was ok to call it a night. Lapis obliged and wished her a goodnight.


End file.
